I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
40s are totally the cure
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
