He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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