Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
