I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
