The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
