so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
