it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
