Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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