Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
