Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
