When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
