I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
