running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
All I want is dick and wine.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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