Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
