he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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