I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
