Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
