I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
