Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
