Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
