Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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