You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
