2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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