got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
