his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
