So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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