it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
