I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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