When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
