what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
