I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
