the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
