My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
