Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
