we made out on top of his cat.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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