i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
