I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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