hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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