his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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