Swine flu. Run for my life!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
