I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
