i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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