I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
