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After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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