I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
