I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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