Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
