Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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