I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
