i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
