fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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